everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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