the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
