Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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