I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
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Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
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Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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