my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Send help, water and tortillas.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
