I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
