So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
