I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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