I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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