It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
