I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
