My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
