Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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