New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
