I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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