i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
