I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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