my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
