i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Dicks are not precious.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
