he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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