Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
