Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
