His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
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I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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