i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
