just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
