He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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