Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
