He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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