My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
