I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
