Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
