Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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