as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Randomize
