i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize