i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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