Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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