Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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