I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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