I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
