Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
