Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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