Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
