Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
