you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
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It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
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In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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