You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
