plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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