she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I am one with the molecules
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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