I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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