She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
soo... how was my night?
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