I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
