he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
pop tarts are not kleenex
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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