if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
