I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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