They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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