I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
